he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
