My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
