Umm I'm too high to move.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
