I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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