Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
