I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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