Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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