I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
