So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
