I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
