i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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