Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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