i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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