I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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