The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
