Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
