I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
