I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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