My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
