you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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