I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize