If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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