If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
