I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
