Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
the raccoons are back...
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