you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
