Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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