My hair reeks of homosexuality.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
