based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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