Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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