Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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