I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
