I heard we made out
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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