Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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