Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
