I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
