My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
