my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
