she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
