i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
