I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
