So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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