Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
