I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
