I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
