I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
