What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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