Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
