I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
