i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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