Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
