Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
