I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
