I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
