she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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