you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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