Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
