I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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